Playa Focus: Eva Longoria

[Samr]

By Samr, sharing the blame with Ginofan and LauraBC

SpursCentral.com

[the views expressed in this article do not in any way represent those of SpursCentral or its affiliates. As such, we are not accepting blame for anything said or implied below. Actually, we didn't even know about the article. This is Samr writing this.]









He’s a little bit country, she’s a little bit Hollywood. Over the course of the season, she has also become one of the most influential figures on the Spurs this year. Other than Manu Ginobili. And Tim Duncan. And Gregg Popovich. And Ben Wallace’s foot. No, wait. Never mind, forget it. She’s just really influential, ok? And she’s hot. Really, really hot. This is the story of the Desperate Housewife who just wanted a little bit of France to take home with her. In the process, she also helped change the course of a season. Eva, we love you. And if you didn’t sound so damn retarded and desperate for attention every time you open your mouth, we would wish you all the best. This is the dia-… er, this is the Playa Focus, of Eva Longoria.



Bio- We don't really know much about her other than she has a really active sex life. And we wouldn't know this if she didn't aggressively force the info upon us during each interview. For the male contingency, this is most definitely not a bad thing. It means that she is available. Hey, if Dave Navarro could land Carmen Electra, anything’s possible, right? But since the only thing Eva Longwhoria wants to talk about is her sexual promiscuity, I have decided I will make up her bio for her. It’s Eva’s fault for not talking about it, not mine.



Eva started out as the really ugly girl in school. Her attempts to make up for this lack in physical appearances with personality failed incessantly so she took to making herself sound more popular than she really was in hopes of some rudimentary validation. Much like how I use big words to cover up my age which everyone knows anyways. She has since become irresistibly hot, because that’s what happens to all the ugly girls you made fun of during grade school. They all become hot and you’re left saying “Crap! If only I hadn’t throw my entire plate of spaghetti on her, I could have HAD THAT.” Unfortunately, some of these Wonder Years habits are stuck with her today. You know someone has issues when she can’t get through an entire “hey look! There’s Eva!” interview during a timeout without mentioning some really questionable pet names for devices she purchased out of the Sharper Image catalog. Yes, it is good that you enjoy doing something beneficial to growth of society. But no, it does not help your case.



This Season- LoLo is not just the name of my crazy aunt’s dog, it is also the name of Parker’s ex-fiancé. The same person who was so close to marrying into money, then was relentlessly torn apart by message boards across the nation for various acts of deviance. Under his newfound freedom, Parker decided to go on scouting trips to various parts of Hollywood looking for rising stars to showcase to his friends and media. The scouting ventures (also known as “road trips”) brought back the nominees Charisma Carpenter, Eva Longoria, Cheryl Miller, and Misti Lynn. Eva, sensing that her show needed some extra promotion, accepted Parker’s nomination. And JC Chasez’s. And Fez’s from That 70’s Show (his real name hurts my eyes).







When she first met Parker, presumably at some strip joint, he was in the middle of an identity crisis. He had just received an inhuman amount of money to be Pop’s lapdog for six years, and was trying his hardest to prove he was worth it. Parker decided the best way to accomplish this would be to completely suck for a few weeks and see what happens. Needless to say, this did not happen and he was thrown out at first. Upon entering his life, Eva gave Parker the confidence he needed to round the bases and continuously score. For the Spurs.



Using the San Antonio market (that made me laugh) as a springboard for her career, Eva proceeded to attend every Spurs game where there would be cameras, paying extra attention to the ones that would be shown on national television in everywhere except along the West coast, which would be watching the Grizzlies play. One time I placed a sign in my front yard announcing, “Some big important guy will be here with lots of paparazzi. And the Malik trade sucks.” Eva showed up the next day.



Most importantly, however, is that Eva gave Parker the confidence he needed to play well. If you had every straight male and some of the females staring at your timeshare girlfriend, you would be confident too. With her support, he continued his onslaught on the rest of the league and hopeful men everywhere. Score a lot at the game, score a lot at home. If only every girl was that shallow.



The future- Though technically still on the Free Agent market, Eva is currently talking with several teams about possible short-term contracts. Said her agent, Hugh Heffner, “Eva still has a lot of youth left in her. She’s in the prime of her career right now. Her market value is still climbing. I think it is perfectly reasonable that she wants to have a bit of fun and not really be tied down to any one location.” After negotiations with LoLo broke down because the two sides couldn’t agree on terms, San Antonio is still a little skeptical it will land this one. Tony, just knock her up and get it over with. She’s really good for the Spurs, you know?

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At the unveiling of a monument to the shot clock in Syracuse, New York

[LauraBC]

OMG, this article had me rolling



Esp these parts:

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LoLo is not just the name of my crazy aunt’s dog, it is also the name of Parker’s ex-fiancé.

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The scouting ventures (also known as “road trips”) brought back the nominees Charisma Carpenter, Eva Longoria, Cheryl Miller, and Misti Lynn.

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One time I placed a sign in my front yard announcing, “Some big important guy will be here with lots of paparazzi. And the Malik trade sucks.” Eva showed up the next day.

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She’s really good for the Spurs, you know?

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Nice "touch" there at the end

Who says Timmy can't be hot?

Edited by: LauraBC at: 3/28/05 6:09 pm

[Blondie]

you have outdone yourself young man!

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[tphuey]

You're treading on dangerously thin ice, now Sam.

[Samr]

I'm shocked my account is still active. Oh well, I'll try harder next time.

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At the unveiling of a monument to the shot clock in Syracuse, New York

[Creation88]

now this was an enjoyable read. good one.

[missmyzte]

Wow, I was sooooo close to having him but Eva apparently won him out, you know?

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MistiLynn



"It's got to be hard to defend us," Nesterovic said, "when we don't even know who's going to shoot." 1/26/05

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[SpurLoca]

That is so hilarious Sam. I really needed that read after the day I have had.Good Job!

[Samr]

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Wow, I was sooooo close to having him but Eva apparently won him out, you know?

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Don't worry, "Video Girl" is a lot more respectable role than "arm candy" anyways.

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At the unveiling of a monument to the shot clock in Syracuse, New York

[Samr]

**edit** I was messing with the profile thing and I saw something that said "my photo." I assumed this was part of the profile where you could put a photo of yourself, so I tried to be funny. I didn't mean for Brad Pitt to be my avatar, although I do need to find one. Anyways.

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So, how many kids did you trip today, Crystal?

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Gotta love DPRS and the bs rules they have. "You can't use physical force." Really, have they ever had a kid pop them in the leg with towel, with enough force that they had a bruise the size of a baseball? Or what about the ones that decide they are the exception to your demands (requests, if the boss or a parent is looking), then proceed to take out every toy and see how accurately they can throw? If it wasn't for the 45 minutes a day we got to watch them relentlessly pummel eachother on the playground (is it wrong we rooted against the red-headed kid?), that job would have been the end of me.



Or maybe I'm just trying to fit in because I taught as a summer job. I feel your pain. Literally.

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At the unveiling of a monument to the shot clock in Syracuse, New York

Edited by: Samr at: 3/28/05 10:49 pm

[Blondie]

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That is so hilarious Sam. I really needed that read after the day I have had.Good Job!

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So, how many kids did you trip today, Crystal?

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[SpursFanInAK]

That was funny dude! Especially that last sentence....you know?

[Condemned2HelLA]

Which is the bigger score:

T-Park with Eva or Steve Nash with Elizabeth Hurley?

[ryno]

Got to give that one to Nash. Eva may be hotter but the canadian clearly when out of his league to get Elizabeth Hurley.

Silver and Black Baby

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11/5/08 Tony drops a double nickel.
1999 2003 2005 2007

[Samr]

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but the canadian clearly when out of his league to get Elizabeth Hurley.

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Hurley has to be the hottest mom out there.



I can imagine Nash's pickup line. "So... you're Canadian. I am too. Hey, let's go out sometime."

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At the unveiling of a monument to the shot clock in Syracuse, New York