Die Laughing

A truck driver stopped at a roadside diner for lunch. He ordered a cheeseburger, coffee, and a slice of apple pie. As he was about to eat, three biker entered the diner. One grabbed the trucker's cheeseburger and took a bite from it. The second one drank the trucker's coffee, and the third wolfed down the apple pie. The truck driver didn't say a word. He simply got up, paid the cashier, and left. When he was gone, one of the bikers said, "He ain't much of a man, is he?" "He's not much of a driver, either," the cashier replied. "He just backed over three motorcycles."

Man Law #57: It's all fun and games until you wake up next to your best friend's mother.

A 65 year old woman has a baby. All her relatives come to visit and meet the newest member of their family. When they ask to see the baby, the 65 year old mother says, "Soon." A little later they ask to see the baby again. Again the mother says, "Soon." Finally they say, "When can we see the baby?" And the mother says, "When the baby cries." So they ask, "Why do we have to wait until the baby cries?" The new mother says, "I forgot where I put him."

Actual Church Bulletins Mistakes:

1. Don't let worry kill you - let the church help.

2. Thursday night - Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.

3. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

4. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

5. The rosebud on the alter this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.

6. This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.

7. Tuesday at 4:00 PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.

8. Wednesday the ladies liturgy will meet. Mrs. Johnson will sing "Put me in my little bed" accompanied by the pastor.

9. Thursday at 5:00 PM there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All ladies wishing to be "Little Mothers" will meet with the Pastor in his study.

10. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.

11. The service will close with "Little Drops of Water." One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.

12. Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and do so.

13. The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They can be seen in the church basement Saturday.

14. A bean supper well be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

15. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

16. The Reverend Merriweather spoke briefly, much to the delight of the audience.

17. The eighth graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the church basement on Friday at 7:00 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

18. During the absence of our pastor we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J.F. Scubbs supplied our pulpit.

19. With a smile on his face, the pastor listened as the church choir sang the traditional hymn, "How Great Thou Art", as the rather large casket of the over 500 pound parishioner was wheeled out of the church.

20. Following this morning's message will be a pubic profession of faith.

21. The Senior Choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.

22. Weight Watchers will meet at 7:00 pm at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use the large double door at the side entrance.

23. The Associate minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday - "I upped my pledge - up yours!"

24. A song listed in the Church Bulletin at the Nazarene Church in Little Rock, Arkansas; in connection with a sermon on God's mantle..."Let's God Mangle Fall on Me."

25. Next Sunday, Mrs. Vinson will be the soloist for the morning service. The pastor will then speak on "It's a Terrible Experience."

26. The choir will meet at the Larsen home for fun and sinning.

27. A song fest was hell at the Methodist Church Wednesday.

28. The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth Into Joy."

29. Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on Oct. 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in school days.

30. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say, "hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.

31. Due to the Rector's illness, Wednesday's healing services will be discontinued until further notice.

32. The concert held in the Fellowship Hall was a great success. Special thanks are due to the minister's daughter, who labored the whole evening at the piano, which as usual fell on her.

33. Today, Christian Youth Fellowship House Sexuality Course, 1pm-8pm. Please park in the rear parking lot for this activity.

34. Offertory: "Jesus Paid It All"

35. The church is glad to have with us today as our guest minister the Rev. Green who has Mrs. Green with him. After the service we request that all remain in the sanctuary for the Hanging of the Greens.

36. Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

37. The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church.

38. Evening massage -- 6 p.m.

39. The Pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.

40. The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the recession.

41. Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 to 8:30 p.m. Please use the back door.

42. Ushers will eat latecomers.

43. The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical accomplishment.

44. Today's Sermon: HOW MUCH CAN A MAN DRINK? with hymns from a full choir.

45. 22 members were present at the church meeting held at the home of Mrs. Marsha Crutchfield last evening. Mrs. Crutchfield and Mrs. Rankin sang a duet, 'The Lord Knows Why.'

46. The 1997 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.

47. Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to Church secretary.

48. 8 new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some of the older ones.

49. Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan in preparing for the girth of their first child.

A photographer for a national magazine was assigned to get photos of a great forest fire. Smoke at the scene was too thick to get any good shots, so he frantically called his home office to hire a plane. "It will be waiting for you at the airport!" he was assured by his editor. When he got to the small, rural airport, sure enough, a plane was warming up near the runway. He jumped in with his equipment and yelled, "Let's go! Let's go!" The pilot swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air. "Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "and make three or four low level passes." "Why?" asked the pilot. "Because I'm going to take pictures! I'm a photographer, and photographers take pictures!" said the photographer with great exasperation. After a long pause the pilot said, "You mean you're not the instructor?"

A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarassment, they both manage to get to sleep, the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower. In the middle of the night the woman leans over and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me a blanket." The man leans over with a glint in his eye and says, "I've got a better idea, let's pretend we're married." "Why not," the woman giggles. "Good," he replies. "Get your own damn blanket!"

A man went into a bar in a high rise. He saw another man take a pill, take a drink, walk to the window and jump out. He flew around for a minute and zipped back into the bar.

As the amazed newcomer watched, the man repeated this twice more. Finally the man asked if he could have a pill. The flier said it was his last one. The man offered five hundred dollars to no avail, so he made a final offer of a thousand dollars. The man said that it was all he had on him.

The flier reluctantly gave in, took the cash, surrendered the pill, and turned back to the bar. The man took the pill, took a drink, went to the window, and jumped out only to fall to his death. The bartender walked over to the flier at the bar and, wiping a glass, said, "You sure are mean when you're drunk, Superman."

A man walks into a bar, and as he makes his way to the counter, he stops and talks to everyone in the bar. As he finishes with each group of people, they all get up and leave and go stand outside the window, looking in. Finally, the bar is empty except for this guy and the bartender. The man walks up to the counter, and says to the bartender, "I bet you $1,000 that I can spray beer from my mouth into a shot glass from thirty feet away, and not get any outside the glass."

The bartender thinks that this guy is a nutcase, but he wants his $1,000, so he agrees. The bartender gets out a shot glass, paces off thirty feet, and the contest begins. The man sprays beer all over the bar. He doesn't even touch the shot glass. When he finishes, the bartender looks at him and says, "Well, I guess you owe me $1,000, huh?"

The man answers, "Yeah, but I bet all of those people outside the window $500 a piece that I could come in here and spray beer all over the bar."

A man is struck by a bus on a busy street. He lies dying on the sidewalk as a crowd of spectators gathers around. "A priest. Somebody get me a priest!" the man gasps. A policeman checks the crowd- no priest, no minster, no man of God of any kind. "A PRIEST, PLEASE!" the dying man says again. Then out of the crowd steps a little old Jewish man of at least eighty years of age. "Mr. Policeman," says the man, "I'm not a priest. I'm not even a Catholic. But for fifty years now I've been living behind St. Elizabeth's Catholic Church on First Avenue, and every night I'm listening to the Catholic litany. So maybe I can be of some comfort to this poor dying man." The policeman agreed and brought the old man over to where the dying man lay. He kneels down, leans over the injured and says in a solemn voice, "B-4, I-19, N-38, G-54, O-72....."

One day Ken is sitting in his house when the doorbell unexpectedly rings. He answers the door and finds a salesman standing on his porch with a strange object. "What is that?" Ken asks. "It's a thermos," the salesman replies. "What does it do?" asks Ken. "This baby," the salesman says, "keeps hot things hot and cold things cold." After some deliberation Ken buys one, deciding ti would really help his lunch situation. The next day he arrives at work with his thermos. Sure enough, all his coworkers are curious about his new object. "What is it?" they ask. "It's a thermos." Ken replies. "What does it do?" they ask. "Well," Ken says in a bragging manner, "it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold." "So, what do ya got in it?" To which Ken says, "Three cups of coffee and a lemon Popsicle."

Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground. Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprove the child. Smiling sweetly, the Sunday school teacher said, "Bobby, when I was a child I was told if I made ugly faces, it would freeze and i would stay like that." Bobby looked up and replied, "Well, Ms. Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."

One Sunday afternoon, a guy walks into a bar with his pet dog. The bartender says, "Sorry, pal. No pets allowed." The man replies, "This is a special dog. Turn on the Detroit Lions game and you'll see." The bartender, anxious to see what will happen, turns on the game. The guy says, "Watch. Whenever the Lions score, my dog does flips." The Lions keep scoring field goals and the dog keeps flipping and jumping. "Wow! That's one hell of a dog you got there. What happens when the Lions actually win?" the bartender asks. "I don't know," the man replies. "I've only had him for seven years."

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. The balding man then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying them all. His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says, "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'" "But why?" asks the man. "I'm a divorce lawyer."