Die Laughing

Because I'm bored at work...

A man meets a gorgeous woman in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together. They get back to her place, and as she shows him around her apartment, he notices that her bedroom is completely packed with teddy bears. Hundreds of small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, medium sized ones on a shelf a little higher and huge bears on the top shelf along the wall. The man is kind of surprised that this woman would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but he decides not to say anything. After a night of passion, as they are lying together in the afterglow the man rolls over and asks, smiling, "Well, how was it?" "You can have any prize from the bottom shelf," the woman replies.

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they lay down for the night and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend awake. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars." "What does that tell you?" Holmes questioned. Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?" Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you idiot! Someone has stolen our tent!"

A man walks into a doctor's office. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear. "What's the matter with me?" he asks the doctor. The doctor replies, "You're not eating properly."


A new pastor was visiting the homes of his parishioners.
At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door. Therefore, he took out a card and wrote "Revelation 3:20" on the back of it and stuck it in the door.
When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, Genesis 3:10."
Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter.
Revelation 3:20 begins "Behold, I stand at the door and knock." Genesis 3:10 reads, "I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid, for I was naked."

The last one is funny. Made me laugh

I liked the first one.

After this game, now I need something to make me laugh.

There are two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a nude woman.

They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life.

The angel tells them, "As a reward for being so patient through a hundred Blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most."

He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery. The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues.

After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing. The angel tells them, "Um, you have fifteen minutes left, "Would you care to do it again?"

He asks her "Shall we?" She eagerly replies, "Oh, yes, let's! But let's change positions. This time, I'll hold the pigeon down And you crap on its head."

LMAO! Now that's funny!

One day, a blonde went to an appliance store having a sale on TV's. She walked up to the counter and said to the clerk, "I would like to buy this TV." The clerk replied, "Sorry, I don't sell to blondes." So, the blonde dyed her hair brown and returned the next day. Again, she went up to the counter and said, "I would like to buy this TV." And again, the clerk answered, "Sorry, I don't sell to blondes." Puzzled, the blonde asked, "How did you know that I was blonde?" And the clerk said, "Because that's a microwave."

Did you ever wonder?

Can you cry under water?

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?

Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round?

Why do you have to "put your two cents in"...but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

What did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

If you drink Pepsi at work in the Coke factory, will they fire you?

Why are you IN a movie, but you are ON TV?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

How come we choose from just two people for President and fifty for Miss America?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.

If a 911 operator has a heart attack, whom does he/she call?

Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?

Why there's brail on a drive-thru ATM?

Why we park on a driveway and drive on a parkway?

3 friends die in a car accident and they go to an orientation in heaven. They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are talking about you, what would you like them to say?

The first guy says,"I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man."

The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."

The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say ... Look, He's Moving!"

There are three guys talking in a pub. Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives; the third remains quiet. After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says, "Well, what about you? What sort of control do you have over your wife?" The third fellow says, "I'll tell you. Just the other night, my wife came to me on her hands and knees." The first two guys were amazed. "What happened then?" they asked. "She said, 'Get out from under the bed and fight like a man!' "

It was about a month ago when a man in Amsterdam felt that he needed to confess, so went to his priest. "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. During World Was II I hid a refugee in my attic." "Well," answered the priest, "that's not a sin." "But I made him agree to pay me 20 dollars for every week he stayed." "I admit that wasn't good, but you did it for a good cause." "Oh, thank you, Father; that eases my mind. I have one more question." "What is that my son?" "Do I have to tell him the war is over?"

A pregnant woman from San Francisco had a car accident and fell into a deep coma. Asleep for nearly 6 months, when she wakes up she sees that she is no longer pregnant and frantically asks the doctor about her baby. The doctor replies, "Congratulations, you had twins! A boy and a girl. When your brother heard about the accident, he came to San Francisco, since he was the closest relative we had him name them." "Oh God, not my brother," says the woman, "he's an idiot!" She asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?" "Denise." "Wow, that not a bad name, I like it! What's the boys name?" "Denephew."

A team of American and British archaeologists was excavating in Israel
when they came upon a cave. Written on the wall of the cave were the
following symbols in their order of appearance:

1. A woman
2. A donkey
3. A shovel
4. A fish
5. A Star of David

They decided that this was a unique find and the writings were at
least more than three thousand years old.

A noted feminist scholar gave a lecture on the cave drawings. She said, "The 1st symbol is a woman; this demonstrates that ancient Hebraic society was matriarchal in nature."

"Women were responsible for animal husbandry -- hence the next symbol,
a donkey."

"Women did the planting and harvesting hence the shovel."

"Women also did the fishing, hence the picture of the fish."

"And finally, the last symbol, the Star of David demonstrates that women were also responsible for the spiritual life of the community."

An elderly man stood up in the back of the room and said,
"I object to every word. You have it all wrong. "First of all, while you've been 'reading' and 'interpreting' these
inscriptions from left to right, everyone knows that the Hebrews would
have written from right to left."


"It actually says, 'Holy mackerel, dig the a** on that babe!'"